Infinite

Im really good at losing

My life has been spiraling downwards, sometimes i wonder to myself if it really ever will get better. i believe people when they tell me that it will, cause i know that they say those things to me with honesty and the best intentions.

but now, im starting to doubt it. my past will always continue to haunt me, the decisions that I make, and more than likely the future. i have nothing to look forward to in my life right now, im confused about college; my band is solid, but we never talk about doing anything mega cool. we have a tour lined up late december and early january, and then another one with the gods of central illinois hardcore, Blackteeth.

Im so glad you sent me a friend request on myspace, and that i accepted it.

Im so glad that i responded to the message you sent me shortly after.

Im so glad we actually continued to talk to each other that night, i remember the first night, i really did think that your name was Charlie.

Im so glad I brought up the courage to ask my mom to take me all the way to your house and meet you.

I was so glad when i first saw you; infinite.

But then, i fucked up.

This is the first time ive ever admitted it to people who dont know the story. It is my fault i feel the way i feel now. maybe, if i wouldnt have been such a dick, things would be different right now. I personally think they would be, but whenever we talk about it, you say it was inevitable.

It wasnt inevitable, i caused the downfall, cause i was selfish.

Im not being hard on myself, im just showing myself the truth. i dont think im a horrible person, ive learned from the mistakes i have made in the past, and i learn from the mistakes i make everyday.

I love you, and i always will. you changed my life and made my life something i never thought it could be, and i thank you for that. Youre the best person ive ever met, and know to this day.

If you read this, i hope you realize that some things never change, especially the way i feel.

how can you live with yourself?

fuck you.

i lose.

i want to be strong, like you.

i dont want to cry about it, but i cant stop.

its time

for me to write. man ive been down, so down lately, and its all probably nonsense. i tried really hard tonight to tell alissa how i feel about her, it feels like it wasnt a success at all. i dont really know what to do in the situation, cause i care about her so much, and im trying to let her know, i really am, i just suck i guess.

or maybe its just me getting to myself again, i always let that happen to me, and it always spells disaster. im driving to see her and my friends greg and ashley next weekend, im really excited. hopefully i dont fuck everything up, i probably will, like last time. i will probably overreact to something she says. I HATE IT WHEN I DO THAT. im thinking the reason i do that is because i care about her, and what she has to say, so i take everything she says seriously. its annoying, cause shell be trying to joke around and ill flip balls on her.

but who knows, it might be me just thinking too hard about everything again. or maybe it is her, which she tells me its not, i really do believe her for the most part. but anyways, i need to look at what i can do better. none of this probably makes sense, but i just needed to get it out of me in the form of words.

she means so much to me, its crazy. i hope she feels the same way about me, cause there are times when i am the happiest ive been in a long time because of her, and i dont let her know that enough i think.

this is one thing i really, really, dont want to screw up. and i already feel like i am in a way.

LOL

so today i was just browsing through some bands on myspace. i came across a band, not going to mention the name, for the sake of their egos. one of their song’s names was “$$$$”.

for one, dont make a hardcore band and name one of your songs “$$$$”, please.

two, you have to be at least 15 and a HALF to start a hardcore band.

haha just kidding on that last one, if you want to start a hardcore band, start one.

but dont name your songs “$$$$”

well, maybe i shouldnt be telling you what to do, its just my personal opinion.

commodity is writing, hail satan.

fuck up

im a fuck up

nothing more, nothing less.

im sorry i let you down, thats the last i wanted to do.

here you go

all i ever do is make you mad, i really dont like it, i try so hard not to.

everything i say, just makes you mad

i guess im the problem

sorry i suck.